My original thesis project was an exploration of pleasure and coping mechanisms that I have used in the past. With the new and unexpected circumstances I have been thrown back into my mode of survival and thus was finding it difficult to continue on with a project about pleasure. Instead I felt the need to respond to the shared trauma we are all experiencing , and specifically how I am dealing with this new bizarre circumstance; as it has triggered me.
I know I am not the only one who has been triggered by this sudden loss of control and forced isolation. I acknowledge that I am in a safe environment with loving people. But that doesn't negate the fact that I have had moments in my life where I have felt out of control, isolated, and scared. This quarantine has brought those feelings back to the surface and made me relive these dark moments even though I have moved past them.
I feel frustrated and stuck in a repetitive loop trying to cope with the current situation as well as my own personal baggage that has been brought up. I feel selfish for suffering because out in the world real people are dying, suffering by the hands of abusive family members, and dealing with the fear of this virus because they are in a group that is particularly susceptible to this virus being deadly. I have none of these concerns currently, and yet I am suffering because of what I have experienced in the past.
This new project is my way to deal with all of this, reach out to others, and be heard. My whole practice revolves around catharsis and mental health. I want to validate others and make them feel that they can talk about their own trauma without judgement, but I often don't take my own advice. This project is one where I am trying to take my own advice and not be so hard on myself for feeling what I'm feeling.
My original project was titled The Little Death, referring to the French euphemism for orgasms. I have not abandoned this project but it has been put on hold. I am keeping the death theme because the two projects are connected. This whole project and all the forms it takes will be called Little Deaths because little deaths are happening all over the world culminating in mass mourning and trauma for many many people around the world.
Click below to be taken to the performances.